The Girl’s Guide to Landing a Dumb Baller

Identity Ink, December 26, 2010

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{snip} Pro athletes, beware–groupies have gone online to plot your bankruptcy. Unlike the aspiring mistress of yesteryear, who sharpened her elbows to sidle up to her favorite sportsman in a crowded venue, today’s tech-obsessed girls discuss outfits, strategies and even positions before the first encounter even occurs.

Today, players are less likely to meet girls at a strip club or bar than they are on Facebook–as was the case for two women who linked up and went on to bear children with New York Jets father of nine Antonio Cromartie. And beware if you don’t come through with the BMW. The groupies are quick to shame, posting pictures of themselves in hotel rooms for wives to find, or revealing intimate details about someone’s off-field performance.

‘OFFICIAL Groupie,” a rosy cheeked Florida-based beauty, coaches inexperienced groupies. First in her playbook: Chase after the dumb jock. “See, the smarter ones are on to your gold digging groupie a$s. The smart ones can smell your money-hungry a$s a mile away,” the vixen posted in a three-part series, “How to Land a Baller.”

“You know the ones that can barely speak well in an interview,” Official Groupie instructs. “Yes, b*tch, him! Write his name down. Google him! “Start to focus on the ones who have criminal records, many baby mommas and plenty of kids, and have ‘advisors’ (i.e. cousins/homeboys that handle their business/money). They’ll be easy to recognize cause they always look ‘lost’ and ‘slow.’ He barely makes eye contact. He got a short attention span and easily gets distracted. He gotta think about the words he wanna use before he speaks and still mispronounce the words. He does stupid/dumb s—-right in front of you. Yeah, him!”

On this ever-expanding online manual, girls who want to score with an athlete learn to blend old and new groupie tactics when it comes to bumping into a player. BallerAlert’s “Eleven8,” for example, suggests memorizing the layout of the W Hotel in Hollywood, where, she said, the NBA stars will rest their heads during February’s All Star Weekend in Los Angeles.

Then modern girls equipped with a smartphone can take advantage of Eleven8′s “Twitter-holic Trick.” “As proven by Carmelo Anthony and countless others, most ballers control their own Twitter accounts. Know their away schedules! When they’re going to be in LA this is the perfect time to turn on your cyber charm and tweet your favorite baller until he takes notice,” she writes.

“Most ballers usually follow groupies [on Twitter] right before they hit the city this way they can keep the conversation isolated. Once he’s in your [private] box you can get the digits and the hotel room number.”

Kansas City Chiefs wide receiver Dwayne Bowe dubbed this type of pre-arranged rendezvous “importing,” telling ESPN magazine in May that senior players compiled a starting lineup of groupies drafted from Facebook and Twitter before away games and flew the women out to the team’s hotels.

Time and time again, the public’s prying eyes discover stars’ exploits on social network sites. Bloggers at TheDirty.com make a sport of outing groupies. Last month they posted a screenshot of a Facebook page where two women boasted about an evening with Philadelphia Eagle Michael Vick.

“Swimming with Michael Vick and cuziie !!!,” exclaimed a woman named “Julia’s Status.” “What a night/morning with him bahahahah. wait I just woke up next to Michael Vick,” her friend Lana writes. The BallerAlert chicks also giggled when a woman named Tia dumped NFL star James Davis via her Facebook page in June.

“3 kids 3 baby mamas 6th round pick wat the f–k was I thinking. relationships r Def not ur strong point . . . hope u excel in FB its the only thing ur good at. someone please give James Davis the memo . . . his relationship is over,” the angry girlfriend wrote.

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