Posted on May 16, 2018

Black People: Call 1-800-TOO-WITE, Report ‘Suspicious’ White Meddlers

Rex Huppke, Chicago Tribune, May 11, 2018

I think black people should be allowed to call the police on white people who look like they might call the police on black people.

I mean, at this point, it seems only fair, right?

While being black and engaging in regular life activities is not, as best I can tell, a crime, it does seem to rattle certain white people, as evidenced by a string of recent incidents in which police have been dispatched to the scenes of black people getting coffee, shopping, exercising or napping.


You get the idea. While virtually every white person in America is quick to say, “Hey, I’m not at all racist,” there seems to be something about black people engaging in mundane activities that strikes fear into the hearts of certain Caucasians. {snip}

I can’t explain any of that. But it’s clear that in all these cases, the black people would have been a lot better off if they — or perhaps even a black passer-by — would have spotted the suspicious looking white people and then called the authorities to let them know they were about to get a call from an unnecessarily panicked white person.

Imagine the resources that could be saved if there was a police hotline people of color could use to prevent officers from being dispatched to a scene where nothing bad is happening. Let’s call it 1-800-TOO-WITE.

“1-800-TOO-WITE operator, what’s your non-emergency?”

“Hi, I’m sitting in the lobby of my condo building on LaSalle Street waiting to meet a friend and there’s a suspicious-looking white person eyeballing me. I’m pretty sure he’s about to call you and say I’m loitering. Just wanted to let you know everything’s fine and he’s just racist.”

“OK, we’ll make a note of it. Thanks for calling. You helped us avoid a real embarrassing mess.”