Posted on September 15, 2005

Illegals, Fairfax Wants To Aid Your Bladder Woes

Tom Knott, Washington Times, Sept. 15

Memo to our amigos in Central America: The Fairfax County Board of Supervisors has agreed to put out a $400,000 welcome mat to ease the illegal transition of your citizens in Herndon, Annandale and Culmore.

In case you have not heard, some of your citizens illegally cross the border with bladder conditions and then have no choice but to relieve their discomfort after setting up shop on the grounds of private businesses.

We crazy gringos never knew that our Central American friends were afflicted with so many bladder issues. But now we do, and in true American spirit, our duly elected officials are setting up day-laborer centers to ease the trauma of a weak bladder, both for the person with the weak bladder and those who might catch a glimpse of the person with the issue.

The day-laborer centers will be equipped with bathrooms and other essential services, such as English classes and social counseling. Sometimes, day laborers have an urge to ogle women, and it would be awfully nice if the day laborers could discuss this need with a social worker.

A social worker who has earned the proper number of graduate degrees could ask, “How does it make you feel to ogle women? And which feels more empowering: ogling women or relieving yourself against the side of the 7-Eleven?”

You should know that one of Virginia’s gubernatorial candidates, Democrat Timothy M. Kaine, called the Republican candidate Jerry W. Kilgore “mean-spirited” for saying, “It’s not too much to ask people to follow our laws.” Mean person that he is, Mr. Kilgore also said, “I do not support using taxpayer dollars to fund illegal immigration.” Only in 2005 could that be a talking point of a political candidate.